My silence on this site has been deafening and has been remarked upon. It has been a strange time but the transition that is happening is remarkable.
Two weeks ago it was the first anniversary of Mick’s death. During the day I thought I was doing fine. I had breakfast at our favourite place with friends; later coffee with other friends, and then in the evening I made a solitary pilgrimage down to Currumbin Rock to spend a few moments silently remembering and “talking” to the man with whom I have spent my happiest years … so far.
That night I experienced a dark night of the soul like no other. I allowed myself to feel every vestige of despair, betrayal, and pain I had smothered for the past eighteen months. The following four days I experienced a complete body purging also like nothing else in my memory. I knew I wasn’t ill and recognised what was happening. At the end of that week I emerged clearer than I have felt in so long. The whole experience confirmed for me something I have believed for a long time.
My ontological studies have been life changing for me. I have become a far better observer of myself and others, particularly in the realm of moods and emotions. It was a revelation to me that I was still in a mood of resentment about my childhood. The moods of resignation and anxiety were also very prevalent but I had no idea how much they were holding me back. So as I became more aware of the moods that I could now so easily identify, I would squash them down. Now I realise that was not always a helpful strategy. Great to be able to identify the mood, acknowledge it and then mostly once acknowledged it dissipates.
When I allowed myself to go down to the depths of the painful feelings surrounding Mick’s death, I found it quite terrifying. I think I have been afraid to do this and have kept myself busy with activity. In my book I mentioned that as a child I had learned to put a skin over my pain and when that skin was pierced, I could not go back. I hadn’t realised that I had been doing the same thing once again. I revisited the blog I wrote about “Tear Soup” and it made even more sense. I know that I will still have moments of sadness, but I do feel purged of any “stuck” emotions which were holding me back and am able to accept that I cannot change the things that have happened. Given my time all over again, I would certainly handle things differently but now I can let it all go.
In the past week I have had two speaking engagements and I felt such a difference. I feel lighter and am opening myself up to new and wonderful possibilities. In the next few months the website will reflect these changes.
SO WATCH THIS SPACE!
I have been enjoying watching the attached clip from The Project which up until now I haven’t been able to watch. How lucky I have been!